I am me, and me is me, ya heard?

There’s an illusive truth about me not many people really get. I come off as confident and in control, as if I knew everything it took to be a man. I mean, I’m “independent” right? I look out for myself and all that..

But secretly, I’m only that way because I don’t know any other way to be.

When people come in trying to help me. Telling me what I’m not doing, telling me how I can be better, all that kind of stuff.. There’s this part of me that for some reason will push them away.. Whether it be by getting angry, or by hanging out with them a bit less. I don’t really know what it is about me, but I have this affinity to being solo.

I grew up that way mind you.

I played alone. I watched cartoons alone. I ate alone. I didn’t share much of anything I liked with anyone around me. Heck, I didn’t play with anyone else but myself until I hit kindergarden.

I think that’s how I see myself ultimately: Alone.

I think this sort of mindset has hurt the relationships I’ve been in. Not just romantic ones, mind you.. You have to do something wrong to get all the people you grew up with to sort of stop calling or being there… While I understand that a relationship is a two way street, most of the time my rules vary.

I make everyone in my life travel on a one way street.

I use the excuse that I’m busy. “If I can find time for you.” has really been my motto these last 9 or 10 years of my life. I don’t even find time for my family… When was the last time I visited my sister and her family? The kids are pretty grown up now, all across the board, and where have I been?

Oh, right. I’ve been too busy.

Too busy chasing these stupid dreams of mine… Simply doing as I fancy and not being considerate of what it takes to really make a relationship work. There’s a specific feeling that is necessary in any bond between two people, and I’m pretty shitty at making people feel it.

It’s the feeling of being a Priority.

I prioritize what I want, when I want. I choose going to dance competitions instead of seeing my family. I choose to not give my close friends a call on their birthdays, or not go to 85% of the functions I’m invited to. I choose to dance instead of making time for the people who have helped enrich my life. I make all these choices, and I sincerely wonder if somehow this will all come full circle to me.

Sometimes, I look back to my youth and wonder if that’s where it all started. Me sitting in front of the TV in the late 80’s, playing with my Ninja Turtle toys alone.

Is that what my life was meant to be like?

All I can say is that I need to be better. I need to be stronger, sharper, more understanding, and work a hell of a lot harder.. I need to plan better, think in advance, and be mindful of others. Especially of my beautiful girlfriend and my closest of friends..

I just need to be more…

I will always have a chip on my shoulder for being poor.

When my mom came to the U.S. so many years ago, she was a licensed nurse. She made good money. Enough to support herself and then move to California.. Then she got here, met my dad, and I don’t know what happened..

Someday I would like to have children. I want that more than marriage and anything tangible in the world… so I feel as though its a parents job to give their all to their child. To set her/him to be the best that they could possibly be.

By any means neccessary.

I just don’t feel that’s what my parents gave to me… but this is my being a crybaby. I’ll make it someday, one way or another.

I’ll just bump around in the dark on my own for awhile. Like I always have. Well, until I figure out what it’ll take to move forward.